This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I am sitting here crying just typing those words....which bring me to the topic of EMOTIONS!
As a therapist, I can pretty confidently say that I am ok with emotion. I don't get overwhelmed when others are red hot angry and cussing up a storm or crying or overwhelmed. I think that expressing our feelings to others creates a sense of connection. Our emotions can move us to be better people (but also to make very bad choices sometimes). Blah, blah, blah.
BUT never in my life have I FELT emotions so strongly as I have over the past few weeks. About a month ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with everything that I needed to get done before the baby (e.g. finish her room, complete several assignments for work, "spring clean" the house, etc).
I tried to express this to Adam, but all I got out was, "I..(sniff, sniff)...am...(sniff, sniff)...so (unstoppable tears)...over (sniff to make the snot stop dripping)...whlemed....(more tears and loss of my ability to speak)."
I could barely get out the sentence. I was frustrated & sad & lonely & mad (at myself because I couldn't communicate and at him just because) & sooo tired!
In that moment, I thought that an alien invader had seriously taken over my body. Here I am, a competent adult who is paid to communicate with others, but all I could do was cry. And you know what? It felt sooo good to cry and be held by my husband (who was probably confused as I was).
Since then, I have learned that it is a losing battle trying to be tough and "fight" these emotions. So, I have just learned to embrace it and move on. Many mornings I start out my day in the shower with a good cry. I cry because I am thankful to be having a baby. I cry because I am still tired, but my back hurts so bad that I had to get out of the bed. I laugh at myself for crying and then I cry some more.
The day time often doesn't get much better. Recently, I have found myself:
- Crying at church when I saw an elderly couple with their arms wrapped around each other singing praise to God. Then crying again 10 seconds later when I saw a momma holding her new baby.
- Laughing out of sheer joy in the stall of the girl's room at work because they put in a new toilet paper holder, soap dispenser, and paper towel dispenser.
- Crying at those stupid Fancy Feast commercials (yes, cat food) when the couple is all in love and getting married.
- Worried...I mean heart racing, floor pacing worried...about all the changes over the next year with a baby and finishing school and likely moving. Dude, they are just going to let us walk out of that hospital and take a little baby with us! No test; no pledge to do right. You just have to have a car seat! That's it.
- Crying after talking to my sister, because I love her SOOO much and am SOOO grateful for her and SOOO proud of her! She noticed something was weird when I kept calling her "sweetheart" and telling her how much I love her.
- Feeling SOO embarrassed (you guessed it...to the point of tears) when I tripped in front of the church on Sunday. If you need to know how to silence 100+ people just have a pregnant woman run up the church stairs in the rain and fall down belly first! Nothing but a uniform gasp and then silence. Mortifying.
- And probably my personal favorite...busting out into tears when my major professor asked me, "How's it going?" Any particular reason to cry? Of course not :)
Here's to hoping the next blog includes LOTS of pictures of sweet Adalyn!
