Monday, September 5, 2011

Nine Months Later: Thankful, Blessed, and CRAZY!

Today = 39 weeks pregnant!  Which means ONE WEEK.  This time next Monday (Sept. 12th) is Adalyn's due date!

This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I am sitting here crying just typing those words....which bring me to the topic of EMOTIONS!

As a therapist, I can pretty confidently say that I am ok with emotion.  I don't get overwhelmed when others are red hot angry and cussing up a storm or crying or overwhelmed.  I think that expressing our feelings to others creates a sense of connection.  Our emotions can move us to be better people (but also to make very bad choices sometimes).  Blah, blah, blah. 

BUT never in my life have I FELT emotions so strongly as I have over the past few weeks.  About a month ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with everything that I needed to get done before the baby (e.g. finish her room, complete several assignments for work, "spring clean" the house, etc). 

I tried to express this to Adam, but all I got out was, "I..(sniff, sniff)...am...(sniff, sniff)...so (unstoppable tears)...over (sniff to make the snot stop dripping)...whlemed....(more tears and loss of my ability to speak)." 

I could barely get out the sentence.  I was frustrated & sad & lonely & mad (at myself because I couldn't communicate and at him just because) & sooo tired!

In that moment, I thought that an alien invader had seriously taken over my body.  Here I am, a competent adult who is paid to communicate with others, but all I could do was cry.  And you know what?  It felt sooo good to cry and be held by my husband (who was probably confused as I was). 

Since then, I have learned that it is a losing battle trying to be tough and "fight" these emotions.  So, I have just learned to embrace it and move on.  Many mornings I start out my day in the shower with a good cry.  I cry because I am thankful to be having a baby.  I cry because I am still tired, but my back hurts so bad that I had to get out of the bed.  I laugh at myself for crying and then I cry some more. 

The day time often doesn't get much better.  Recently, I have found myself:
  • Crying at church when I saw an elderly couple with their arms wrapped around each other singing praise to God.  Then crying again 10 seconds later when I saw a momma holding her new baby.
  • Laughing out of sheer joy in the stall of the girl's room at work because they put in a new toilet paper holder, soap dispenser, and paper towel dispenser. 
  • Crying at those stupid Fancy Feast commercials (yes, cat food) when the couple is all in love and getting married.
  • Worried...I mean heart racing, floor pacing worried...about all the changes over the next year with a baby and finishing school and likely moving.  Dude, they are just going to let us walk out of that hospital and take a little baby with us!  No test; no pledge to do right.  You just have to have a car seat!  That's it.
  • Crying after talking to my sister, because I love her SOOO much and am SOOO grateful for her and SOOO proud of her!  She noticed something was weird when I kept calling her "sweetheart" and telling her how much I love her. 
  • Feeling SOO embarrassed (you guessed it...to the point of tears) when I tripped in front of the church on Sunday.  If  you need to know how to silence 100+ people just have a pregnant woman run up the church stairs in the rain and fall down belly first!  Nothing but a uniform gasp and then silence.  Mortifying.
  • And probably my personal favorite...busting out into tears when my major professor asked me, "How's it going?"  Any particular reason to cry?  Of course not :)
If you are a mom reading this, please, please, please do NOT tell me if these "intense" emotions continue after the baby is born.  I have convienced myself that this will all be over in a week or two, and I can go back to my calm, collected, tough self :)

Here's to hoping the next blog includes LOTS of pictures of sweet Adalyn!

1 comment:

  1. "Laughing out of sheer joy in the stall of the girl's room at work because they put in a new toilet paper holder, soap dispenser, and paper towel dispenser." <== ME TOO!!!!

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